My Early Days as a Dominatrix Changed Me

Improved body image and a better relationship with my sexuality were some of the benefits.

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Though my first session as a professional dominatrix was a disaster, I eventually learned the proverbial ropes of the craft. After that initial session bombed, I worked hard to develop the skills needed to become a better pro-domme. I upped my study game, investigating BDSM techniques and exploring the how-to of fetish play so I’d actually know what I was doing in session. I also sought more hands-on practice by asking Mistress A. to let me shadow her in her sessions.

This was something I should’ve done more of from the start. I also tagged along for an overnight session with another dominatrix where a client just wanted to be our servant, giving us foot rubs.

By watching experienced dommes in action, I learned from them. Slowly but surely, I started to differentiate between the various types of submissives: from foot fetishists to pain enthusiasts, to truly obedient submissives, to men who just had a kink when they had a hard-on.

It also dawned on me that not all slaves wanted to be humiliated. Even when they did, I realized the dynamic worked best when done in a playfully sadistic way rather than an outright cruel one.

In short, I would never make the same mistakes I did in my first session. Instead, I worked hard to learn the skills that would help me refine my craft.

How My Early Days as a Dominatrix Changed Me

Besides developing the necessary skills to become a successful pro-domme, I also realized I was gaining other benefits from this new job. Namely, my self-esteem increased both in terms of my body image and the way I engaged sexually.

Improved Body Image

To succeed in this business, I had to invest in a fetish wardrobe. As I shopped at stores on Hollywood Boulevard that catered to a stripper, escort, and dominatrix clientele, I started to view my body in a new light. Trying on all this clothing, I realized how hot my body looked, accentuated by these accouterments. This was a revelation for me.

Before this point, I’d never viewed myself as necessarily sexy. Growing up, I felt awkward and hated my body. I slouched, somehow hoping to detract from my appearance. If only I could make myself smaller, less noticeable.

I did this because of both the insecurity I felt about my looks and who I was as a person. A tape in which I criticized my body for its imperfections seemed to play constantly in my mind. I didn’t have the super thin form that was celebrated in women’s magazines. I didn’t have “thigh gap,” and so, I didn’t think I had a “good” body.

But now, dressed up in fetish clothing, I suddenly realized it didn’t matter whether my body wasn’t the type to ever grace a fashion spread. My body was good enough. Who was I kidding? My body was better than “good enough”: my shapely legs and curvy ass were gorgeous.

As I met more submissive men who fawned over my form, I realized that men didn’t even require me to be perfect to consider me desirable. It’s not that I based my entire self-esteem on what men thought about me. However, when I was younger, I often did judge myself based on what I believed men wanted.

Learning that men liked my body exactly as it was helped me start to be kinder to myself. If men didn’t notice my perceived flaws, why was I focusing on them? And so, I began to view my body in a more positive light.

As my body image improved, I began to carry myself with more confidence—and sex appeal. And so, with this new knowledge of my inherent sexiness, I began to concentrate on how to better seduce clients. I oozed sex as I learned how to use my body language to drive my clients mad with lust.

As a result of my improved body image and the revelation that I could use my body to arouse men, I began to feel more sexually empowered.

Personal Sexual Discovery

Until this point, I had a very unhealthy outlook on sex, thanks to the society I had been raised in. I had been incredibly passive, sexually speaking. Obviously, taking a more active role when it came to sex was a big change now that I’d become a professional dominatrix.

Not that I had sex with my clients, but our sessions were sexually charged. These men sought me out because submission turned them on. The purpose of our dynamic was that I should deny them sex because they didn’t deserve it. But still, sex was the focal point of our meetings.

This dynamic was new for me and helped heal my wounds associated with the trauma of sexism when it came to female sexuality.

Before becoming a domme, I had mainly let men control the show sexually. In my personal life, men approached me, asked me out, and then eventually initiated sex. When sex did happen, men led the entire experience. At least, this is what I let men do. Sex was something that happened to me instead of something I made happen.

I had been so sexually passive up to this point because I grew up discouraged from exploring my sexuality. My family didn’t discuss sex—it was too embarrassing, too shameful. My family also looked down on women who advertised their sexuality by wearing revealing clothes or talking about their sexual exploits, seeing them as “low-class.”

Slut-shaming was rampant not just at my high school, but in college, too. Worse, the shaming was often perpetuated by other girls.

While “easy” girls were shamed, my confusion surrounding my sexuality was only heightened by the simultaneous pressure I experienced from society. While it was trendy and encouraged to dress in revealing clothing, you weren’t supposed to show too much skin or you were considered “easy.”

No wonder I didn’t feel totally in control of my sexuality. I lived in a contradictory state where on one hand, I was told that I should exude sex appeal while on the other, I should hide it.

I learned to walk a tightrope where I should express my sexual availability but not have sex. And so, no wonder that when I did start having sex as a young woman, I so often gave up control to men.

I allowed them to just do things to me sexually as if I wasn’t totally in my body while it was happening. I felt both shame and desire as I was pulled in two directions. On one hand, I should refuse men’s sexual advances, but I should also still invite them.

It was as if by letting men take sexual control during intimate encounters, I could prove I wasn’t a bad person. But I ended up feeling bad anyway.

As such, taking an active role in sex as a dominatrix was healing for me.

Through encounters where I wasn’t romantically invested, where I wasn’t influenced by the brain chemicals associated with “love,” I was further able to explore my sexuality in a safe space. This space was safe because, in session, I wasn’t worried about whether these men had a serious emotional interest in me.

I could just enjoy the experience for what it was without agonizing over where an encounter would lead: to a long-term relationship, a commitment, a ring on my finger.

I could finally revel in my own sexual energy.

A Better Relationship with My Body

Part of my sessions often included something called “body worship.” Most submissives love to worship their domme’s body. Dommes can decide how much they want to allow a client to do this. In my case, I allowed the worship of my feet and legs.

Allowing men to massage and kiss my feet and legs in session started to have an impact on me—a positive one. Being worshipped encouraged me to connect with my body in a way I hadn’t felt able to before.

Due to the sex-negative culture I grew up in, I was always in my head when it came to sex. Many issues got in the way of being present in my body during intimate encounters: poor body image, sexual shame, fear of being “used,” fear of being physically hurt by men, and underdeveloped skills of relating to men emotionally.

Domming professionally was an opportunity to focus on my body. My job centered on the physical body and all the sensations available to be experienced through touch. This allowed me to really concentrate on what I felt in my body, and namely, what my clients could make me feel by touching my body.

And because I didn’t feel emotionally invested with my clients, I got a break from my mind and could be fully physically present during a given experience.

A Better Relationship with Men

In addition, my sessions became a kind of laboratory where I could become more comfortable with men. This was necessary because I previously had a pretty bad relationship with men, thanks to my poor relationship with my father.

My father was quite aloof while I was growing up, a typical absentee father. Because we didn’t have a very good relationship, when I did begin trying to form relationships as a young woman, I was at a disadvantage. I had no idea what I was doing with men because I didn’t have a good model in my father.

But now, as a result of having so many experiences with men where I was in intimate control of them, I got to know men better. This lessened the fear and confusion I had previously felt during my experiences with men.

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Thanks for reading about the positive changes I experienced during my early days as a professional dominatrix. Though I’m committed to telling the whole of the story of my experience as a young dominatrix, I also want to be honest that these newsletters will be sporadic. I’ve been busy doing other things, such as promoting my book, Confessions of a Middle-Aged F-Girl, which you can purchase here. I’ve also been writing other non-sex-related articles, if you can believe it.

That said, I already have the next installment of this newsletter outlined, so I hope to get that out soon. I just wanted to let you know that I appreciate your patience and thanks for your ongoing support!

A photo of the author today.