How NOT to Become a Dominatrix
I don't recommend anyone enter this industry the way I did, nor for the reasons I had.
In the next few newsletters, I’ll get deep into how and why I first became a Dominatrix. One thing I’d like to mention, though, is that I’d never recommend anyone become a Domme the way I did, nor for the reasons I had.
When I first began my Domme journey, I had no real understanding of the BDSM mindset. I had no true interest in dominance as a sexual turn-on. I didn’t even respect my submissives. Not a very good start for a budding Dominatrix.
When I first entered the industry, I still thought all male submissives disliked themselves. I called them “freaks” behind their backs. Don’t even talk to me about female submissives. They were self-hating.
Women were already put down by men in our society. Why would any self-respecting woman want to volunteer herself to be put down anymore? I just couldn’t wrap my head around why anybody would want to be tortured and/or humiliated in the bedroom.
The truth was, I became a Domme just for the money. Okay, so there were other things about the job that attracted me. The “dominant female” archetype was compelling. I got off on the rebelliousness of it all.
I was the type of woman who marched to the beat of my own drum. Becoming a Dominatrix was just one more way to express my fierce individuality.
Oh, and BDSM’s “theater”—that also excited me. The clothing, the music, the “scenes.” Everything was over the top—perfect for an experience-chaser like myself.
But did I have any true interest in becoming skilled in BDSM activities? Did I hunger to take other humans on sensory journeys that would better their lives in any way? No.
I just wanted to make a quick buck. And I would never recommend you enter the industry for that reason.
I didn’t even see BDSM as sexual. For me, domming wasn’t sex work. On the contrary, it was all one big joke. These weird men wanted to bow down at my feet and give me money? What a hoot! Bring it.
Like it or not, I was angry at men. I was sick and tired of gender inequality. I thought men had it better in this world. It wasn’t just how they lived with zero fear for their physical safety. They were paid more. They had power and rights I didn’t. Sexually, their promiscuity was celebrated.
If treating women like garbage seemed to be socially accepted, I wanted to turn the tables on men. Becoming a Dominatrix was about my desire to push men around a bit. Yup, I wanted to take the upper hand for once, flaunt my power—and especially my sexual power—in men’s faces.
No, I didn’t want to have sex with any of these guys. I wanted to tease them with my sexuality, then withhold it. Tease and denial par excellence. And still, I wouldn’t recommend anyone become a Dominatrix for this reason.
The business is about so much more than treating men like garbage. Actually, it’s not about treating them like garbage at all. That’s not what a responsible Domme does.
Being a “good” Domme means actually caring for your submissives. It’s about handling them carefully and with empathy, even as you torture and humiliate them.
And in fact, getting into domming just for the money is a stupid reason to start working in this field anyway. Domming isn’t exactly easy cash. It takes time to build up a clientele. You’re not going to put up with that if you don’t actually enjoy sexual sadomasochism or care about becoming skilled.
There is a long learning curve to getting good at domming, and all that time you won’t necessarily be bringing in income. Plus, there’s a ton of competition. You’re up against many other skilled Dominatrixes who have invested thousands—if not tens of thousands—into their wardrobe and equipment. You’ll only invest what it takes if you have a true passion for BDSM.
That’s also the only way you’re going to put up with the less savory parts of the job. Yes, toxic clients exist. There is a lot of topping from the bottom. Some subs even look down on Dominatrixes. Yes, as crazy as it may seem, it’s true.
If you’re just in it for the money, then you’re more likely to meet up with these toxic clients for sessions because you desperately want their cash. But sharing energy with such individuals on a daily basis can be taxing—emotionally unhealthy and even physically dangerous. This leads to burnout.
Besides, if you don’t like BDSM, you’re doing a disservice to the clients who are actually looking for a real experience. Respectful clients, who have dedicated their life to serving dominant females, also exist. You can’t properly work with these clients if you haven’t taken the time to really know what you’re doing in session.
To get to that point, you need training. I received little to no training before I started working as a Domme. I didn’t sub first, like many Dommes do, using that experience to inform my domination methods.
I had never even subbed in my personal life. As I said, I didn’t understand why anyone would want to submit sexually in bed—especially women.
As I’d never subbed myself, I also had no idea what it might feel like to be whipped or tortured, tied up, or humiliated psychologically in session. Looking back, none of this portended responsible play.
So if I wouldn’t recommend someone become a Domme the way I did, nor for the reasons I did, how would I recommend you enter this field—and why? I would say that the best reason to become a Dominatrix is that you have an actual interest in BDSM. You have a real desire to learn how to curate sadomasochistic experiences with paying and non-paying parties alike.
In short, you should actually get off on kink.
I would further say it’s advisable that you learn how to dominate by submitting first. But not just that—I recommend getting trained.
An aspiring Domme should have a mentor. There are many opportunities to be mentored through paid programs with established Dominatrixes. See examples here and here.
Yes, most of these programs take place in major cities. That is also where you’ll find the commercial dungeons where you can start working from the bottom up (pun intended) without having any real experience. See an example of such a dungeon here.
In conclusion, if you’re going to do this job right, don’t jump into this work blindly as I did. Get proper training first. And don’t just do it for the money. That’s a terrible reason to become a Dominatrix.
I hope this explains a little better what it takes to become a Domme and why you should and shouldn’t enter this field.
That said, in future newsletters, I will be outlining exactly how I became a Dominatrix.
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